It’s probably quite shocking for hotel owners when I emerge from the shadows, having hidden there for potentially hours after silently stealing my way into their establishment, but it’s important to let them know the chief lesson: this health inspection will not be pleasant. This health inspection will not be kind, or gentle. This health inspection most certainly will not be expected, as you can surmise from how I hid behind the curtain for two hours.
This health inspection will be thorough.
People are paying for the privilege of coming to stay at your establishments, so for you to contravene that agreement by not removing a wasp’s nest, or allowing ants to invade the minibar…oh no, tut tut. The pest control experts near Mornington, Frankston, Sorrento…all of the coastal areas. I have deep connections to them all. They will be summoned to make up for your poor hygiene, word will spread, and you might as well go and open and bed and breakfast in Kiribati, because that’s how far you’ll have to go to escape my poor health rating.
Insects, rats, mice and other pests can be tricky to deal with, but that’s no excuse for anything that sells itself as a place of relaxation. So many hotel owners utterly fail to realise their responsibility, which is why I flit around with my clipboard, running my perfectly-sharpened pencil along the skirting boards and using my freakish tallness and spindly limbs to inspect the lampshades. Remember…pest controllers are terribly efficient, but you really shouldn’t need them in the first place. Your hygiene and cleanliness standards are to blame. I’m just the middle-man in all this, a humble enforcer.
Although I have been known to rid places of a few rats in my time. One does not associate with pest controllers without learning some of the trade, plus my disturbingly-long limbs and paralysing stare seem to get the job done quite well. I would consider a career with whichever local pest control company would have me, but perhaps clients would want to be rid of me more than the cockroaches. So instead, I intimidate people into cleanliness.
-I.N